My Realization.I swear... in life, for those who are damned can receive no lasting type of happiness, and if they do.. its only through manipulation, or the observation of watching others be happy. For those who are damned no matter what type of good they bring, it'll never be enough. They are not allowed to be happy, for Karma and Luck are not friends to the damned. No matter how many great things you've done, you can never change the past or who you are let alone what you've become. Happiness is a dream to those who are damned, and it will remain a dream until they meet someone who can create that dream into a reality. One can always be a family member, I never saw her, but when I did she brightened my life. She died today. If not family, Love, to the damned is but the highest of happiness, both physically and mentally, for your not alone. I've met in truth 3 people like that, who can create it into reality, one left due to my personal problems wrongfully projected to them... the other two simply rejected me, although rejection is constant in ones mind, love for that person usually can never shift to hate when rejected. I can never hate the ones who rejected me, instead I'm rather glad, for one of them is currently happy with one of her friends. But for the damned like I said, can only observe the happiness and never gain it. I realize today, that I am forever damned.
I've been able to take this amount of pain for quite some time now, I hate it, but lonliness became natural. But not anymore, time has made it unbearable and the only thing I seek is an answer... WHY?... Why can't I find that happiness, why does it reject me so. Every time I ask this question I never receive a response. Due to this my patience for an answer withered painfully... and its turned me into a monster now I suppose.
I've been put into a real delema for a few men saw my "Talents" as what they would like to call it in the art of defending myself and wish to use it as a show while I gain profit... 5 illegal fights... 2000$ a night. My issue, is that I pormised someone VERY important to me that I would never do it, I know it would cause them great pain. nother factor is that one of the opponents.. is now a hated enemy of mine and I recieve a bonus for KO's...but the way I feel towards the person I can only promis death. I'm a man known for keeping promises when I mean them, and when I promised that very important person that I wouldn't do it I meant it. But now... I'm sick of it... If I am truly damned, then I may as well follow the path of the damned rather than staying aimlessly in the void of ligh that is not mine.
Thank you to whoever took the time to read this... It took a lot for me to post this... and I would love to hear your thoughts... Thank you.
Hurt
Devious Comments
I know what it feels like to be alone since I can't find anyone and stay with them, or I'm with someone abusive mentally or with men who are maniacs. But one day I'll find someone to make me happy and you'll find someone who makes you happy.
And you aren't truly damned. If you don't like something, lash OUT. There is always another way
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We are all our own devil
And we make this world our hell...--Oscar Wilde, Company of Thieves
Starlight, starlight, burning bright
You shall be witness to the slaughter tonight
~JackKrauser-FanClub Member
I'll continue by saying that I have no idea what your life is and has been like, that I will not ask about it, and that I will not attempt to relate or to tell you that I understand when I cannot.
But I'll continue further by saying that I believe there is no such thing as the damned. You can romanticize all you want, blame it on fate, destiny, or some higher power, but in the end all you have at this moment is yourself. It's reassuring to think that what happens to us has meaning, to think that we can see the path to which we are being guided by considering the things that keep happening to us, and to embrace it. I'm not saying it's bad to do so or that I do not and have not done so myself. But somewhere in the back of your mind, you have to realize that whether or not there is a destiny or a fate awaiting us, there is only so much we can control and do. All we can even hope to be sure of is ourselves and what we see and feel at this very moment. The past, the future, the people and our different selves trapped within those times--it's all beyond us. The moment we think we have it all figured out is the moment we truly become "damned", shut up inside the hell of our own convictions.
Humans naturally build upon past experience to form an idea about the future. It's natural, and any living creature has the capability for it. But we also have the capability to be aware of our convictions, and as such, to keep them from controlling us and our lives, should we or should we not choose to do so. We can choose to put aside those heavy biases and savor what happiness we're given, and we can even choose what gives us happiness.
Happiness can come from the company of others, words and gestures of praise, acceptance, and affection; it can come from bringing happiness to another, or experiencing another's own happiness. And it can come from simply standing in the middle of a forest, closing your eyes and listening to the wind, to the chatter of a small animal, to the murmur of a narrow river or to the gentle song of a bird. Happiness can come by making yourself aware of life as it is in its essence. Because in the end, what creature can't celebrate the fact that it has survived just one more day--that it has at least one more day to make something for itself? We know that we're breathing and that we're here to experience whatever it is we're experiencing right now--and that's all we know. That's all we really need to know to be happy.
If a person wants happiness, they can find it. All it takes is a better look, a look outside the box. At least, that's what I think, for what it's worth.
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Happiness is not something that is easily come by...anyone should know that the world is a shitty place and hard to live in. But learn to cherish the happiness you do receive and try to make your own happiness instead of waiting for it to come upon you.
And frankly man...I would hate to find out one day that you have been arrested for illegal fighting or killed because of some brawl. But........if you want to go down that road, I can say nothing against it. Except that you will lose what respect people have for you. You will undoubtedly lose any who is left that love you to damnation just like you've said. You will definitely be alone in the world after that choice. And if you do and keep it to yourself, you'll be living a lie.
I can't see living that way. No matter how bad it gets.
Hell I've lost family members...I've had my mothers ex-husband actually try to kill my mom 5 times because he went insane. He was put in an insane asylum and my mom literally had to run away with me because he kept breaking out to try and kill my mother and leave me parentless. He eventually backed his truck into the front of our apartment and was going to set himself on fire right in front of my mom...whom had just gotten out of the shower and he was going to tie her to the bed so she would have to watch. Then undoubtedly burn with him.
Luckily she got away from him. But he eventually did kill himself...pouring gasoline all over his body while driving his truck and then lighting himself on fire.
You seriously think you're the only one that is fucked up with happiness? I'm not as happy as most would think. I keep all of my emotions bottled up, my problems, just like you do. But I make sure I cherish each and every moment of happiness that comes by me.
That is why I draw shit for people. Because it's the only spice of life that I have. Including the friends I have made on here. Including you bro. You guys are what keep me going.
I hope you make the choice that is right for you, whatever it may be.
We'll always be here.
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"In nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti. Amen" ~ John Wesker
I'm brutally honest and very blunt when stating the truth. If I offend you...well....I did say I was brutally honest.
I realize that, happiness.. is something anyone can attain, but for it to keep shunning one in the face constantly bashing me left and right I can't take it, I usually hold it inside but I can't anymore, my tears won't come out, shouting is no good in a neighborhood full of listeners.
I cannot allow myself to travel that road, it'll only bring pain to those I respect and love like you said... but I fear eventually all else will fail.. and then I will have no choice. I always use to believe we are primitive..and that its a shame that we still have to act i our primitive nature.. I always wanted to live the life of peace and tranquility.. but I think the person inside IS primitive and can't stop it.. the thing is I actually do get excitement and happiness when I cause pain... I want to believe its from protecting someone, but there's a part of me that knows that fighting.. having the freedom of physical expression insights my heart.
of course I don't think I'm the only one with serious problems... I just believe that I have too many... although I know somewhere in this world a person has it worse than I... but for starters... My mother died giving birth to me, father didn't want to deal with me so I lived with my aunt and uncle as step parents, when I finally met my dad again he tortured me and taught me how to fight and I hated him... he destroyed everything I respected (nature, animals, and people) then I came here... like an animal growing up I just learned to hate some more...I lost 10 people who could have made a difference in my life (obviously they did otherwise I would have been a serious asshole) its just... The people I've met made me realize that there's more to life than happiness.. but my want..my need requires it. I want to be free... its my goal in life... I can laugh..crack a smile..have memories...but I believe if your truly happy.. it WILL last... I only wish to experience that once... thanks for your words bro really, they did help immensely.. I'm sorry you had to go through and read this.
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Those limits you might see that cause doubt is all in your head.
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"In nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti. Amen" ~ John Wesker
I'm brutally honest and very blunt when stating the truth. If I offend you...well....I did say I was brutally honest.
I can agree with it, most of what you say... but if there is a higher power...then there must be a plan, or a layout set for everyone right? If its true..then one can't be free, one can wonder the world and believe anything he/she wants or go where he/she wants but is that not freedom? is that not your own decision? Believe it or not this battle is always constant in my mind when I'm alone. However...if we do figure it all out... would we really be damn? or saved? or even free? its nice to see that one won't laugh at me for thinking such ways.
as for your view of happiness, yes one can always gain it easily by themselves through such simple ways by admiration. But what I seek is admiration of self... it may seem greedy but I want to be happy just by not just being alive, but knowing I matter to many dearly. Especially to a lover. I sit and watch everyone enjoying their lives because they finally found someone to share their views with. I always thought that when your in a relationship... you know its perfect when you feel free, and that its basically two against the world. The relationships I see can prove that. Its something I want, for I think happiness with loneliness cannot compare to happiness with someone, and a family. I fear I'm too...cold to feel it because I never really felt happiness like that. Only with friends...but it dies quickly when the day ends... for to me friends are family. If happiness fades like memories and dreams..then I see my goal as being free a waste of time, thinking outside the box of which I though I was free in can only destroy me.
forests, the sky,rain, water, lakes,mountains, high views, and night city lights all bring me such joy... but it hurts me deeply to admire it alone, to not have one share your same views personally can be a hell of its own. But still I keep it inside because the views are so nice... I often take night walks just to admire such beauty.
I never really felt like I've been in a depressed state, I still don't think I am, because I feel fine, its just... I couldn't keep it bottled up any more. again, thank you dearly for taking the time to comment. It really means alot.
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Those limits you might see that cause doubt is all in your head.
I sure hope you find someone, who won't cause you any harm, you don't deserve that, nobody does.
its hard to see the other way sometimes when its right in your face.
here will do just fine, thanks hun I really appreciate it.
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Those limits you might see that cause doubt is all in your head.
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Those limits you might see that cause doubt is all in your head.
--
We are all our own devil
And we make this world our hell...--Oscar Wilde, Company of Thieves
Starlight, starlight, burning bright
You shall be witness to the slaughter tonight
~JackKrauser-FanClub Member
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